I am really good at doing this thing where I feel these really intense, sad feelings and I tuck them all away, inbetween my warm covers or I hide them in my bathtub. I’ll wipe them on the sleeve of my jacket or lock them tightly inside me. Either way, I’m the only one who sees them, who knows that they exist.
But I’m really bad at keeping them inside. They will sit stagnant in my stomach for seasons until something slips. All of the sudden, I am sad again, and this time the sadness is so strong that it consumes me. I just let it live in me until it grew and grew and grew and instead of dealing with whatever made me sad, I ignored it.
Then, I end up so stuck. I’m sad for something that happened months and months ago and I still don’t want to do anything about it but tuck it back in and hope that it will lie dormant, but I can’t. It’s just too big.
The problem is that I always end up with old problems that don’t have solutions because the time to fix them has passed.
Some girl was looking at her feet while she walked through the parking lot today as I was backing up in her direction. She didn’t stop, so I did. I waited and watched her continue to stare at her feet until she walked directly into the back of my truck.
I was thinking about everything I said last night and maybe the reason I feel this way about myself is that I’m simply juvenile. I’m not mature enough to understand how everything works and my thoughts might be juvenile and I just might not have the capacity to comprehend a lot of things.
Sometimes it seems like the only way people have a good time is by going out and being raucous and having those nights that no one was sober enough to remember but defines your youth, but I enjoy doing small, quiet things. I don’t know, I guess I am just too serious and can’t “lighten up” enough to “go out and have a good time.” I guess I’m just realizing that the lifestyle I thought about so much as being typical to teenager isn’t what I really have and I absolutely love everything in my life, anyway.
Things would probably be easier and simpler if I wasn’t so serious, but I just don’t know how to not be. I still have a good time and enjoy myself but it seems like everyone is so light hearted.
But I guess everyone has their own ways of living. I just don’t want to be so serious that I miss out on things, but I don’t want to not take things seriously enough and get off track.
Before you read all of this, basically this is what has been going on in my head in regards to the fact that I might lose control in college. Saved you a few minutes.
It’s almost November which means that it is almost 2012 which means that it is almost time for college. Regardless of where I go, I will end up being exposed to drugs and parties and late nights and those sort of things. Because my parents had such a tight hold on me for so long, I’m scared that when I have all of the freedom of college, I will lose it and forget my standards for myself and completely spiral in the wrong direction. I could waste my money on drugs and care about school and waste my time and my parents’ money and I don’t want that to happen at all so I have made these really high standards for myself right now that are easy for me to follow because I am living with my parents but if I have all of that freedom, I don’t know what will happen. And I guess it’s good that I am at least conscious of this so I can try to prevent it but I just don’t know.
I’m mostly worried because I’ve been exposed, up close, to people who have so much freedom and responsibility, but have screwed everything up because they never had anyone give them rules so they don’t have discipline and when someone gives them rules, they can’t follow them. Without discipline, these people who had so much potential have turned out, in my opinion, to amount to nothing. It’s sad enough when people are not happy with their lives, but it’s worst when those people had it within their power to be successful and live happy, fulfilling lives but failed to do anything about it. I don’t want to be stuck in the same place, physically or mentally. I don’t want to be unhappy. There are a lot of people who do really well with drugs in their lives and are really happy and are going places and doing things but I just don’t have that capability. I know I won’t be happy if I do that to my body, either.
I want my body to be clean and healthy. That is why I am pushing to eat all organic food and avoid anything processed. I owe it to my body after all the self harm and all the shit I’ve put in myself to be better. When I was in Taiwan, I ate locally grown everything, from rice to veggies to eggs to meat. I picked my own veggies half of the time. I walked every day and I drank only water and tea and I felt amazing. I slept well and felt awake and alert and was in touch with myself. I want that feeling again.
There are girls that I see who are examples for me. Some are examples of everything I fear to become, refuse to become and embody the things that I despise. Girls who don’t pass classes in college, get lost in drugs, sleep around to validate their self-worth, get preoccupied in drama and become hardened to the world. Then, some are so inspiring, and are examples of everything I want to be. Girls who have had to work for their education and haven’t had anything handed to them, who work in order to buy nice things, who always look presentable and never become ruffled by brash encounters with the first sort of girl. This is the sort of girl I want to be. Confident friends and lovers, and able to enjoy themselves while still remaining intellectual and serious young women. Girls who read good literature and have good taste. Now I’m just gushing but you understand.
I am worrying too much about what is going to happen, and I know it. Maybe none of this will even be an issue.
Everything in the world is constantly changing and evolving, day after day. Natural selection, adaptation, survival of the fittest, it’s all right there.
Who was the dude that said, “If you believe in Jesus, then you’re not allowed to believe in evolution, even though it’s blatantly obvious that it is a natural occurrence”?
People just assume Evolution means people came from monkeys and whatnot, so they write it off, and then, in turn, look ignorant when they say it doesn’t exist. How do you explain increased lifespans? How do you explain certain ailments becoming immune to our medicines? How do you explain domestication of dogs?
I, for one, believe in creation. I just don’t see how something so complex as the human eye could have just evolved over time while something as complex as the human heart did, simultaneously. I don’t see how the Earth could be that PERFECT distance from the sun so that we don’t burn up or freeze to death. But, I don’t believe everything is the same as it was from the beginning of time. It’s obvious that things have evolved. You think they had Labradoodles when Alexander The Great was going around being a badass? You think that people lived to be over 100? Things change. They adapt. They evolve. It’s nature.
Evolution literally means the process by which different kinds of living organisms are thought to have developed and diversified from earlier forms during the history of the earth, not humans were once single celled organisms that evolved into fish thingies and then somehow turned into monkeys and now here we are. It’s just a change over time. Plants change. They adapt. They develop new defenses, new fruits, new ways of getting nutrients. It’s evolution. It’s nature. It’s obvious. I can’t say that enough.
I believe in Evolution and Creation, and I don’t see anything contradictory about that.