The last time a a nightmare woke me up was over 10 years ago. Last night I woke up and couldn’t fall back asleep for hours. I hate how clearly I remember this.

My dream started with a uniform fitting. Shortly after my 17th birthday, my parents sent me to an all girls boarding school and it was after dinner that I was in an antechamber being measured and fitted with a pleated, red plaid skirt, a white button-up blouse, grey knee-high socks, black leather shoes with a silver buckle and a black blazer. The antechamber was one of light, stained wood and there was a fireplace on the back wall. I remember staring into the fire the entire time I was being measured and I left the room in a light-headed daze. I walked to my dorm and stood in the kitchen. All the cabinets were made of the same wood of the antechamber, and the floors were a very dark mahogany color. I drank a glass of cold water and leaned over the counter to press my face on the cool marble top when a man cleared his throat. I looked to my right and there was a young man sitting in a plain, wooden chair, wearing a white button-up shirt that was half unbuttoned, a red and navy blue striped tie that hung loose around his neck and black slacks with his belt undone. There were black loafers kicked off to the side and a half empty bottle of whiskey in his left hand. He has short, brown hair, piercing blue eyes, the beginnings of a beard and his tall, chubby body overtakes the chair.

I know this man in real life. He was a youth group leader when I used to go in middle school and he asked me extremely inappropriate things about my boyfriends and how far I’ve been with a guy and he even asked me if I had seen a penis before when I was 13. He would talk to me sparingly on both myspace and facebook and it lasted from when I was probably around 12 to at least the beginning of junior year when I turned 16. He works at Vanguard now, as a history teacher, and I see him daily.

He called me over to him and I slowly approached but as soon as I was in arms reach, he grabbed me and pulled me onto his lap. I struggled to get up and run away but his arm wrapped around my waist, almost like a seat belt, and I was trapped. He pulled my hair until my head was back on his chest and he was whispering in my ear. I could smell the potent liquor on his breath and it made me even more dizzy. At that point, my body went limp. I was about to pass out. He tossed me onto the wooden floor and called out a girl’s name. She came with a video camera propped on her shoulder and stood back and laughed at me, calling me a stupid bitch who deserved what I was about to get. She taunted me and said that girls like her don’t need to be punished because they don’t ruin lives and while she was ridiculing me, the man had pulled his pants down. 

Mind you, this girl is someone who hates me in real life.

I had been distracted by the girl but she moved the camera up to her eye as she was still shrieking these terrible things at me when I felt a hand close around my throat. I tried to turn my head and scream but neither happened and I felt his body crushing me. He was telling me that I was ugly and worthless, that I was nothing more than my body because my soul was corrupt. He told me that my parents sent me to boarding school because they are disgusted with me and he told me that girls like me deserved to be punished. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t scream and I couldn’t cry. Above all, I couldn’t move. He pushed my skirt up, bared his teeth and pushed inside of me. It all felt wrong. It felt like he was tearing me open, that he was poison, searing and destroying the inside of my body. He bit and tore my flesh and slapped me across the face saying that he should have picked a virgin and not a whore but that I needed to be punished. He said that I was lucky that he would let me live. With his hand still clenched around my throat, I became unresponsive. I was paralyzed with fear. The only sounds were his threats and the girl’s high-pitched cackling. She seemed to be enjoying every second of this just as much as this man did. 

I felt the world turning black. Relief came to me because I thought I was dying. Everything was fading in and out and I felt like blood was escaping my every orifice.

Before anything else happened, I woke up.

I was crying when I woke up and shaking as well. It was 3 AM. I wanted to vomit, to leave the house, to shower, but I just laid in bed and cried until I fell asleep again somewhere around 5. When I fell asleep, I continued my dream.

My dream picked up as I was trying to get up and walk away after I had been raped. I was caked in my own blood and could not walk straight but the girl tied chains to my ankles and would pull me to the ground and drag me backwards until I walked away with my back straight, without a limp. I locked myself in a bathroom and called John and he came and picked me up. The girl came outside as I was getting in his car and told him that calling the police would do nothing because she would testify against me and that no one would believe me because I am a pathetic, worthless bitch.

He took me home, to our home, and cleaned me up. He stitched up my eye and iced my bruised body and took care of me. I lived with him and recovered and we never called the police because I was horrified of what would happen to me if the man and that girl ever found me again.

I lived with John after that, and I was pregnant with that man’s child. A few months after I had been raped and brutalized, we saw on the news that another girl had been raped and killed, and this man was now going on trial. The odd thing was that his assistant of sorts was testifying against him. Apparently he had killed the girl’s best friend and tried to kill the assistant but she escaped. 

After that, I woke up for school.

so yeah. I don’t even want to know what this dream means.

I think I have done reflections on both freshman and sophomore years on this tumblr so I might as well continue the tradition. (Also, what the heck, I’ve had a tumblr since the summer after freshman year. How did I not flunk out of IB?…)

Academics

Junior year was the beginning of the IB program and compared to junior year, my freshman and sophomore years were just a brief immersion in actual schoolwork. This year I realized, “Oh wow, Emily, your GPA is shit and you have to apply to college in a year. You should probably get your ass in line before its too late.” Albeit it might be too late to rescue any hopes of me getting into UF, I really did put a lot more effort into this school year. I kept at least 4 A’s all year and even had 5 A’s at one point. (but I did get my first C. This is shoutout with a big fuck you to Mrs. VanPoppel) APUSH was easily my favorite class because of three factors (which in my opinion are the most important factors that can go into a class and my opinion of it): the teacher was absolutely fantastic, the material was interesting and I actually wanted to learn and the people I had in that class were all brilliant and kept me motivated to keep up with the reading. I’d have to put both English and AP Psych next because I absolutely love English and this year opened my eyes to the beautiful poetry of Sylvia Plath. I learned so much in Psychology that I appreciate everything so much more because I know of all the things it takes for a person to develop and how unthinkable it is that we all have developed in that way (for the most part). I also learned a lot in Biology even though I bitched out Ms. Roy one too many times. Next would have to be Spanish. I stressed over that class but it boosted my ego because somehow I am actually good in that class. Last is math. Fuck that class. I’d rather eat dirt. 

Junior year was a ton of work, for me at least, but well worth it. I can happily say that I have learned the most this year because of the effort I put in. 

Socially

My class is sort of a little family. We all support each other and hug each other with quiet understanding when someone has a meltdown and I am thankful for that. I realized this year that after senior year I will never see 90% of my classmates again and I am okay with that because I am trying to make lasting friendships with the people I admire and want to be in my life because they make me think or laugh or just talk to me (Shout out to Zoe, Liza, Jess, Brit, Sarah, Dylan, EJ, Ashish etc). I’ve also realized that I can lean on Mrs. Hensel completely and fully and I have taken advantage of that and sobbed one too many times into her arms. I love Mrs. Hensel; she really is an angel in my life. 

I can’t mention junior year without mentioning that I broke up with Chris so here is a mention of that. I don’t let it define me or my school year and that’s a chapter of my life that’s finished, sealed and sent off to the editor for me to never revisit again.

I also can’t mention junior year without mentioning the fact that I am madly and passionately in love. okok I’m being stupid but really, I love being in love. So my love life was extremely rocky for a while. Everything worked out and is working itself out and time progresses. 

Personally

I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve tried to make amends. Revenge isn’t my look. I’ve lost and gained self esteem. I am still pretty insecure. I’ve lost weight. I’ve grown both closer and farther from my parents.

but I am proud of where I am in my life right now.

I measure my success basically based on the fact that I haven’t cut myself in a while. I still have self destructive habits but I deal.

All in all, a good year. I am ready for senior year and graduation. I am ready to begin my life.

Today, Katelynn came over for a few hours with the intent to play GTA but we ended up getting food then sitting on her truck talking.

Most of the conversations I have with kids who aren’t in IB are about relationships and I know a lot of the people in IB don’t have patience for these types of conversations but I enjoy them. I like to take a break from my intellectual friends sometimes because even though I can hold an intelligent conversation, sometimes I just want to talk about boys.

I am lucky for everyone in my life. I know a lot of people but I only consider a few my friends and I only really care about those few. I’m lucky to have people around me who understand how I am and tolerate that and actually enjoy my presence. I’m also lucky to have friends for 11+ years that I have been able to grow up with and always have around. Most important, I think, is that I am lucky to have fallen in love with someone I consider my best and closest friend.

Katelynn is currently in the awkward transitional period of deciding to date guys from high school or guys in college/closer to her age. Her issue is that they seem to be two different type of people and she wants a combination of both. We talked about that for a while and she brought up such a good point that I had never really thought about.

“I’m not sure when I am supposed to find someone that I will spend the rest of my life with. I want that to happen soon because I am tired of being lonely but I also want to find someone who hasn’t been in love yet because I want to fall in love for the first time with a guy who falls in love for the first time with me. I don’t want someone who has already spent all of his special moments with someone else and I’m worried that as I get older, those guys will stop existing.”

We both just sort of sat in silence after she said that, a thoughtful one. Its different for us because I am 16 and she is 18 and we are in different points in our lives but what she said is really true. Loving someone takes so much of you and you blend with the other person that if something happens, you are permanently changed and have to continue on living as a different person. Some moments will probably lose their distinctiveness and emotional strength as they happen over and over again, like your first kiss with someone or the first time you hear them quietly say, “I love you.” Certain things will be painful or tedious to do because you might have tainted memories. The whole experience of love can be changed as it becomes more diluted with the more people you fall for. And I guess that is why people build walls around themselves, to protect themselves. But then that brings up the issue of blocking someone out so much to the point where you miss an opportunity or letting someone in too quickly and becoming destroyed. 

I didn’t know what to tell her so we just sat in a thick silence until it was dark outside and she had to go home. 

Growing up is strange, but being conscious and aware of the changes that you assumed would be subtle in your life as you grew up is stranger.

I hate coming back to this house early after being immersed with good company because my heart just becomes so full and happy then I come here to this cold place where everyone is just satisfied, never anything else. My parents and I are very rarely on the same page and it is always frustrating. I can’t remember the last time I laughed in this house.

I want to spend my summer out of the house as much as I can. That sounds terrible, but I just don’t like this crushed feeling I get as soon as I step into my house. My parents and I interact like coworkers, almost, never as a family and even though I will miss them, I just want freedom.

The idea of a caged bird is cliche but honestly that is how my life is. I only have so much space to spread my wings and I have never felt my wings fully opened because I just have so much feeling and so many emotions and so much curiosity in the world that sitting here being home to please my parents is almost crippling. I don’t know why they keep me home because no one talks to each other and I am usually the only one awake after 9 PM. Its a pretty simple lifestyle that favors adults like my parents but not me at all.

There are so many things about me that they do not know and will never know because they wouldn’t approve and the disapproval of my parents weighs me down so much. I feel like an absolute failure and on top of all the other negative things I think about myself, it really makes me hate everything.

Now that I’m a senior I doubt I’ll have any new freedom. I’ve been eligible for my license for almost 2 months but I’m not allowed to get it, for no reason at all. I’ll be 17 in 3 months and I doubt that will change anything, either. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to drive myself to school next year. Sometimes I doubt that.

I am thankful for John though, because he keeps me sane. He listens to every single thing I say and answers even the dumbest of questions. I feel like he puts me first in his life and I’ve never really had anyone care about me like this so automatically I want to always be in his presence. I can’t be open about anything to my parents because they think I’m too young to be in love and they think I’m too young to make my own calls in my life. I only have one more year to endure and it can either go by much too quickly or not quickly enough.

First off I just want to say thank you to everyone who offered advice to me last night after my SAT meltdown. I really appreciate it <3

I freaked out last night mainly because

1. If I knew that I would get the same score, I wouldn’t have wasted my parents’ money taking it again
2. My combined best score is only 1830 which is still no where near where I want to be
3. I’m scared to be a middle aged person working a shit job.

I might not want to go to college but that is only because I want to travel and write then make a ton of money from what I write but that is more likely to not be a good idea than it would be as a good idea so I’m going to have to go to college to get some sort of degree that I can manipulate into a career that I am pleased with. 

We all aspire to be something, whether it be a doctor or a librarian or what every is appealing to you, and I always wonder why I see people in their 30’s-50’s or so working as cashiers at Taco Bell or stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. These people must have had aspirations to have an actual career and I wonder what happened along the way. In my mind, those sort of menial jobs are meant for young people going through school or being launched into a career, people who need to work additional jobs to support themselves and their families and retired people who still need some sort of extra income. I don’t understand how it ended up that middle aged people got stuck with these sort of jobs. Actually I can understand if the times are tough that you take whatever you can get, but I’ve always seen these people at these jobs and I never want to be in that position. 

Also, if I don’t get into UF, every single goal I have set for myself and accomplished for pretty much my entire life would be rendered completely and utterly useless and pointless. If I don’t get into UF all I will do is wish I could rewind and live my life completely differently, either working 10x harder or completely not giving a shit. I really don’t have any other options because more than the fact that I am stubborn, I can’t go out of state so that leaves me with colleges in Florida that don’t offer programs that I need for any career that I want to have.

Plus I just panicked because all of the sudden, it’s the summer before senior year. I have just a few months before shit gets extremely real and I don’t know if I’ve done enough to impress colleges in general. My extra curricular activities are all unrelated to school, but I have over 400 volunteer hours just sitting in my back pocket so hopefully that will be helpful. 

Thankfully, money is not an issue for me. I’ll probably get the most money I can from Bright Futures and my parents can easily cover the rest without any issues. If Florida didn’t have Bright Futures, though, I would not be limited to just in state. My parents just want me to take advantage of that so I don’t put stress on their bursting bank accounts. My dad is prepared to send me to an Ivy League University for me to get a master’s degree in Law which I am not sure if I want to do. It puts pressure on me to figure everything about my life out in these next 4/5 years but I guess that is a long enough time.

And also, JDC is going to UF. Even though I’ve always wanted to go to UF, the fact that he will be there motivates me 100000000000000000 times more to go there and I have a feeling that any person with a serious boyfriend/girlfriend who is at a particular college can understand what I mean.

I’m tired of listening to people bitch and complain about nothing.

You don’t like your parents? Me neither. My mom doesn’t understand American culture and my dad is a jerk. But they let me live in their house and they feed me and buy my clothes. So they aren’t there for me emotionally, I have my boyfriend and my friends for that. I wish people would stop bitching about their parents; I do it but now I am annoyed with myself when I do it because 

1. when I am mad at my mom I just remember that she moved to the other side of the world for me, away from everything she has ever known. she did it mainly for my dad, but she stayed here to raise me.
2. when I am mad at my dad I just remember that he is paying for everything for me and if I make him mad, I’ll probably be screwed
3. there are tons of kids who don’t have a mom or a dad in their lives or they might not have either parent at all. As much as I absolutely detest my parents and might not want to have anything to do with them once I move out, I am grateful that they are at least in my life
4. Plus I’m lucky that both of my parents are alive or that they acknowledge me and each other. some people have parents who moved away and made their own lives.

so my parents are shitty, big deal. I live in a nice house, have ton of shit that I don’t need and I am fed like a king. I can at least be thankful for that if not anything else.

I pretty much despise my parents at the moment, mainly my dad, but I’m not going to make it my prerogative to bitch and complain to anyone that will listen. What a waste of time. And I’m not going to back away from the problem and try to get emancipated or whatever other dumb shit teenagers do to their parents before they are 18. As much as I want to and as much as I know my life would improve, I only have one more year to deal with this shit then I’m scott-free. 

If you back away from a problem, you will never solve it. Mrs. Hensel taught me that. This last year could be the best or worst of my life but I will come out of it a stronger person because I was able to survive in this atmosphere that makes me so emotionally unstable.

It just bothers me when people are so utterly ungrateful for everything they have. Especially with the tornado that just happened and all the flooding in Louisiana and the aftermath in Japan and there are still people who live in poverty and terrible conditions and I don’t know one person who has it bad but yet everyone still complains.

Just suck it up and grow up, suffer through the hard times and revel in the good times. Life works in a cycle of good and bad and if you constantly run away from the bad or complain about it, you will never actually grow up.  

I had an emotional breakdown last night.

I could be fake and pretend like all the rumors I’ve heard about myself and all the snide remarks people make about me when they think they are in private and won’t get back to me don’t hurt me, that I am a “bad bitch” and shit rolls off of me like I am scotch guarded, but I’m not going to lie to myself. Every single thing that I have heard about myself, or seen posted about me on Facebook, Twitter and Tumblr, hurts. Everything lodges itself into my skin like sharpened pieces of glass. The longer it has been going on, the deeper and more pointed the shards pierce into me. I’m constantly weighed down by negative remarks and the overall negative vibe I feel directed for me that I don’t think I deserve.

If I look at it from the viewpoint of a person who has heard a rumor about me, I guess I do deserve whatever people feel like throwing at me but I don’t understand how these rumors get started or why people say all these things about me. I’ve heard that there is always a bit of truth to every rumor and that’s what tore me apart last night. Am I really what all these people say I am? Am I really a bitch? A whore? Fat and ugly? Do I really have no idea how I come off to people? Am I clueless as to how I live? Can I not express how I am really feeling?

I honestly have no idea anymore. I would like to think that I am nice. I give strangers compliments and I always try to give everyone in general true, sincere compliments, not generic ones. I like to think that I am a good listener and that people can come to me when they need someone to talk to and need advice. I’d like to think that I am loving and caring and that I show that. I’d even like to think that I am not completely ugly and look much better since I lost weight but I don’t know anymore.

There are people who hate me because of my ex-boyfriend and there are people who hate me because of John and there are people who hate me because of both but I’ve never known someone to hate me purely because they don’t like who I am, which gives me some hope, but then again everything makes me question who I really am. All I ever am is nice to people and this is what I get, it seems.

And only one person has actually told me to my face how much I disgust him and I respect that so much. I would much rather you tell me how terrible I am and how much you hate me directly to my face. I’d like to think people are just too scared to say things to my face because they know I will give them a completely logical counter argument. The people who have said the most hurtful things haven’t said them to me directly which just leads me to question why they haven’t.

I’m not going to pretend like I am some strong person who can ignore everything. Everything hurts. I guess some of the most hurtful things are the jokes posted about me on Facebook and Twitter like I can’t see them and don’t know that they are about me. Don’t think I don’t realize that you aren’t having a friendly laugh but are actually insulting how I say things or how I act. I’m not stupid. And it hurts that people think I am too stupid to realize that those posts are about me. But they probably don’t care. 

It’s always fun to have a laugh at my expense, I guess.

Sometimes I wish that I was uneducated and could just pick out someone who has said rude things about me and look at them and say something meaningless like, “You’re just fat and stupid and mad because you can’t get laid.” but really when I want to defend myself or tear someone else down I have to think about what I am going to say that will deliver an equally painful impact as they have caused me. 

I am tired of being hurt by people who are careless with their words. I am not a joke. I’m tired of being treated like one just because someone wasn’t happy with me. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep and I’m tired pretending that I am okay.

Republicans are going to pass a bill on abortions that

• require the mother to receive and see a sonogram of the child
• repeals the law that allows a minor to appeal to a circuit judge to bypass parental permission on abortions if the judge believes that it would be unwise to notify the parent of the minor that she is getting an abortion
• does not allow state sponsored abortions. Now they must be paid out of pocket or through insurance if yours actually covers that.

This week Republicans also passed a bill that

• outlawed doctors to ask patients about guns/gun use in their household
• outlawed local governments to pass stricter gun rules than the state.

Also on the Republican agenda this week

• getting rid of Medicare and giving the elderly insurance coupons to help them find their own policies
• reducing or getting rid of Medicaid 
• Merit pay for teachers based on standardized tests that do not go along with the material that is taught is 95% of the classrooms
• End of teacher tenure
• more funding for charter schools
• adding to the list of disabilities (adding to a list that includes deafness and blindness, allergies, diabetes, asthma etc) that would allow students to attend specialized private schools which caused this next
• expansion of government funds to send poor kids to private schools
• reducing the number of core classes from 800 something to 200 something to avoid the class size amendment
• requiring high schoolers to take one class online

Welcome to Conservative Republican Florida.

The editorial in the newspaper two days ago was about Bright Futures and how it should be need based instead of merit based. I wanted to write a letter to the editor about it but my dad is worried that someone will shoot me if I do.

Basically I was going to touch on how there are already hundreds of need based scholarships through the school of the student’s choice and through local clubs and churches and even the government. It’s not like financial aid for those who need it does not exist. If they are thinking about doing something to help those who need financial aide they should require those student to sign a contract saying that they will carry out with their college education because a lot of money from Bright Futures gets wasted through students who receive it and don’t finish their classes. 

Also if Florida decides to base Bright Futures on need then they will lose a lot of brilliant students because if I can get a much better education in a different state that will value because of the effort I put into high school instead of my financial situation or race, then I will most definitely go there.

I know a lot of kids who live in middle/upper middle class homes rely on Bright Futures because even though we live comfortably as is, some of our parents haven’t been saving for a long time for us to go to college and some parents won’t even pay for college for their child. 

Then there is the fact that there are students who know that they will be shovelling out cash for years to get a masters degree and a Ph. D. I know that if nothing comes from Journalism then I am most definitely going through all those years of college back to back and I have to save money for that. If Bright Futures is still available to me then I can save my money to spend on more distinguished degrees and not worry about paying for the basics because it will all be taken care of.

Also this doesn’t really have to do with needs-based pay but students in all honors classes have higher GPAs than I do. This bothers me because I put much more effort into my classes (as do the rest of IB/AP kids) and we get lower grades because of the harder class material and more demanding classes all around. IB and AP students put significant amounts of effort into their work only to be rewarded with second best to an honors student who opted for the easier route. I know that being in IB gives me a positive light in schools in Florida but I worry for my friends who plan on going out of state and competing with kids with inflated GPAs. Luckily the SAT and ACT definitely distinguish between the two groups of people but I just think that any honors student who boasts of their GPA does it unjustly. 

I am probably just sore that kids who spend all day derping around and being disrespectful to authority and barely participate in class have higher grades than I do. 

I’m the first to admit that I am a mess.

I let my insecurities eat away at me and I am emotionally unstable. When my life feels out of control I over control what/how I eat and end up losing too much weight. You can see the bones in my chest when I move and have dropped three sizes. I’m proud of it but also I’m not because I lost the weight because of my self esteem issues. Do I feel prettier now? Yeah. Was I just as pretty before? Yes. 

I go through cycles of regret and guilt in my head periodically and I cry a lot. I brought that all upon myself, though, through a pathetic attempt to “live my life to the fullest.” In reality I did those things to take my mind off of the fact that my parents and I will never have the type of relationship I want to have. 

Love is my escape from the trouble I get myself into through illicit means and through my parents. John is the one person I know will always be there for me. It seems that so many people rely or have relied on me to be their strength that my own foundation has finally broken and he not only has helped rebuild but he has also built me up studier. He is not only my lover but my best and dearest friend. 

This summer I am finally being reunited with the other half of my brain. Sam knows me, and everything about me and she is the female equivalent in my life to John. She is the one who will always straight up tell me when I have messed up and I need someone in my life to tell me that because I can barely discern it for myself. I can’t even imagine any part of my life happening without her in it and I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t call her every time I needed to be talked through an anxiety attack or just a terrible day. Even though she lives 1800 miles away, she knows me better than many people who live in the same city as me.

There are a handful of people here, however, that I keep close and would guard with my life. High school is almost over and it’s time to start deciding who I want to keep in touch with and who I won’t.

It’s been nearly 5 months since I broke up with Chris and I’ve been relatively private about the entire ordeal. It’s pathetic that he still carries on and it’s pathetic that we will never reach a middle ground. Sure, there were good times but I think it’s at the point where the aftermath just cancels everything out. It’s time to really move on.

All of this being said, I am still myself. I still hold my values and morals and beliefs dear and I am still quick to hop on the offense. I am not afraid to tear a person down when they deserve it and I am never and will never be afraid to voice my opinions. The one thing I haven’t doubted so far in 2011 is who I am and I don’t see that coming anytime soon because I have learned to recognize changes in myself and roll with them. I am still and will always be myself.

I went to Daytona with Ashley and Emily today and I hadn’t really spent time with either of them for a couple of months. I’ve known them both for quite a while and it was nice to be around people who know me well but have been separated enough from my life to not know what is happening currently, for two reasons. First, because there was tons to catch up on and I love these two girls and talking with them because it reminds me of middle school after basketball practice how we would sit around on the court waiting for our parents to pick us up. Second, because they don’t know the bad things that have happened, nor the good, so I can selectively tell them my life as I feel appropriate and they don’t bring up things that I might not want to discuss. 

Today was so fun and carefree and I felt my anxiety rise like it usually does in the afternoon but I just dug my toes deeper in the sand and watched the waves continually flow. It’s comforting the way they always come in and retreat. I like things that are constant in my life. 

We passed the stretch of beach that John & I were at on Monday night and I saw couples everywhere and that made me miss him, especially since it’s Sunday and for the past month or so we’ve spent Sunday lounging around but he had to work today. I am really thankful of the fact that we got to spend so much time together this spring break because it brought us a lot closer and even though it’s only been a bit over three months, I can say that I truly love him. I hope that we will be able to spend more consecutive nights together in the future because we live together really well and it was just so fun and carefree and relaxed and I didn’t experience nearly the anxious feelings that I usually do. It also makes me wish that we were older so we could actually live together because I know it would work. 

Sometimes I fear that my parents will suddenly tighten the already suffocating grip they have on me and my life and not allow me to spend as much time with John as they have been. After coming home in tears days on end after Chris dumped me, my parents are extremely weary of letting me out with boys, which I guess is understandable. I am just not close enough to my parents for me to openly tell them how I feel and what goes on in my life so it might be some of my fault for not being able to see him as much as I please but also if I was open with my life I know my parents would put me on lock down. My life is a Catch 22. 

As long as I keep my grades and studying up, my parents are relatively pleased but I lie to my parents a lot about how much I study and miraculously it doesn’t show through my grades. I spend a lot of time after midnight studying because I retain information rather well then because I am calmer and more open to learning but my dad usually makes me turn the lights out by 11. I really need to study for the SAT and ACT, though, because if I don’t bring those scores up my parents will straight up be ashamed of me.

So there is a little update on my life fr those who care.